Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Drunk is a universal language darling
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
