one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
