Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
