shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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