you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
