Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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