how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
