Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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