god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
