i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
