They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
the raccoons are back...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
