I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
