I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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