So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
