A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
