i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize