I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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