you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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