She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
