So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
