apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
