i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
