The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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