the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
