i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
