i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
