Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
