you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
