Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
