My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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