plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize