dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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