he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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