Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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