yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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