The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
