the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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