I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I got inside last night via doggy door
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
