please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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