just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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