my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
