just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
