I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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