Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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