i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
