cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
