Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
