They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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