to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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