the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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