Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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