so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
