Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
