if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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