i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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