My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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