i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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