I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
