Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
