Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Shame - the story of my life.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
