no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
