Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
It was confusing and full of hummus
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
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