Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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