soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
