Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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