i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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