I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
