He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
