i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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