2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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