8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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