So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Let's get the cat blown out
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
