She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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