Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize