I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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